Post by Teddy Bear on Apr 14, 2012 17:15:20 GMT
Humorous tongue in cheek article by Richard Littlejohn on the BBC move to Salford
Coming up after the latest Salford news Corporation Street
By Richard Littlejohn
The BBC’s much-heralded move to a new Media City in Salford was finally completed this week. Critics say the £1.5 billion cost would have been better spent on programming. A number of high-profile names have refused to move North, but the BBC claims quality will not be affected. To celebrate its commitment to regional diversity, the corporation has drawn up an exciting new schedule . . .
6.00 Breakfast Presented by Bill Turnbull and the woman who cleans the offices at Media City. Events in the Middle East are analysed by the imam from Salford Central Mosque and the diplomatic correspondent of the Salford Advertiser.
9.00 Homes Under The Hammer Tearful BBC staff reluctantly put their fashionable West London homes on the market and embark on a new life in Salford.
10.00 Bargain Hunt BBC executives discover that they can buy an entire street for the price of a one-bedroom flat in Shepherds Bush. Unfortunately, the street in question is in Salford.
10.45 Location, Location BBC Director North Peter Salmon is looking a home close to his new place of work. Today, Kirsty and Phil show him properties in Notting Hill and a crash pad in Kensington.
11.30 Escape To The Country The Friday night exodus from Media City, Salford, as BBC executives head for their second homes in the Cotswolds. Presented by Bill Turnbull.
12.00 Home And Away The trials and tribulations of media executives forced to work in Salford while their families are hundreds of miles away in London. In today’s feature-length episode, Bill discovers his wife is having an affair with her personal trainer and Susanna is mugged on her way to the railway station.
1.00 News; Weather. Bill Turnbull brings you the latest headlines from around the world. Features a special report on a proposed pedestrianisation scheme in Salford. The long-range weather forecast predicts heavy rain in the Salford area.
1.45 Footballers’ Wives Waynetta Rooney meets the WAGs of Manchester United and Manchester City players at the nail bar and Brazilian wax salon in the Lowry Hotel, Manchester. Mario sets fire to his bathroom.
2.30 Helicopter Heroes In this special edition, members of the BBC senior management team fly from Battersea helipad to Media City, Salford, for a meeting before returning to London in time for dinner at The Ivy.
3.15 Pointless Popular quiz show in which contestants have to answer questions such as: why has the BBC wasted £1.5 billion of licence-payers’ money moving to Salford?
4.30 Great British Menu From the Salford Quays branch of Greggs. Top chefs compete for the honour of preparing a banquet for the Mayor of Salford. Tonight they try to create the perfect pasty while avoiding VAT at 20 per cent.
5.00 Deal Or No Deal BBC journalists, producers and secretaries are told that unless they agree to move to Salford they will be sacked.
6.00 News; Weather Bill Turnbull reports on the struggle for control of Salford Council’s Parks and Recreation Committee. Plus, how the North West is escaping the hosepipe ban.
6.30 Great British Railway Journeys Michael Portillo encounters engineering works at Crewe as he joins BBC Breakfast presenter Susanna Reid on a replacement bus service during her daily commute between London and Salford.
7.00 The One Show In an exclusive interview to mark the opening of Media City, Bill Turnbull talks to Manchester music scene legend Noel Gallagher, live by satellite from his home in Little Venice, West London.
7.30 Corporation Street The BBC’s brand new soap, designed to rival ITV’s Coronation Street. Television executives struggle to adapt to their new surroundings in Salford. Tonight Susanna tells Bill she returning to her husband in London.
8.00 Strictly Come Dancing From the Locarno Ballroom, Salford. The show gets a youthful revamp as 82-year-old Stuart Hall, from Ashton-under-Lyne, takes over as host from 84-year-old, Surrey-based Bruce Forsyth. Tonight’s celebrity dancers include Waynetta Rooney and Bill Turnbull.
9.00 Crimewatch North West Police appeal for witnesses after a BBC worker was shot with an air rifle while cycling home from work at Media City. Presented by Bill Turnbull and Salford PCSO Debbie Arkwright.
10.00 Match Of The Day From the City of Manchester Stadium. Features the top-of-the-table clash between Manchester City and Manchester United, followed by highlights of Manchester City Reserves v Manchester United Reserves and Manchester City Under-18s v Manchester United Under-18s. Presented by Bill Turnbull.
11.00 Newsnight New host Bill Turnbull presents a special investigation into how the BBC managed to spend £1.84 million on rail fares and another £77,000 on airline tickets after deciding to move operations from London to Salford.
11.45 The Graham Norton Show Bill Turnbull takes over as stand-in presenter after Graham Norton’s agent tells the BBC that the star refuses to travel to Salford because all his guests live in London. Tonight, Bill performs a musical duet with Salford superstar Morrissey of his seminal smash hit, Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.
By Richard Littlejohn
The BBC’s much-heralded move to a new Media City in Salford was finally completed this week. Critics say the £1.5 billion cost would have been better spent on programming. A number of high-profile names have refused to move North, but the BBC claims quality will not be affected. To celebrate its commitment to regional diversity, the corporation has drawn up an exciting new schedule . . .
6.00 Breakfast Presented by Bill Turnbull and the woman who cleans the offices at Media City. Events in the Middle East are analysed by the imam from Salford Central Mosque and the diplomatic correspondent of the Salford Advertiser.
9.00 Homes Under The Hammer Tearful BBC staff reluctantly put their fashionable West London homes on the market and embark on a new life in Salford.
10.00 Bargain Hunt BBC executives discover that they can buy an entire street for the price of a one-bedroom flat in Shepherds Bush. Unfortunately, the street in question is in Salford.
10.45 Location, Location BBC Director North Peter Salmon is looking a home close to his new place of work. Today, Kirsty and Phil show him properties in Notting Hill and a crash pad in Kensington.
11.30 Escape To The Country The Friday night exodus from Media City, Salford, as BBC executives head for their second homes in the Cotswolds. Presented by Bill Turnbull.
12.00 Home And Away The trials and tribulations of media executives forced to work in Salford while their families are hundreds of miles away in London. In today’s feature-length episode, Bill discovers his wife is having an affair with her personal trainer and Susanna is mugged on her way to the railway station.
1.00 News; Weather. Bill Turnbull brings you the latest headlines from around the world. Features a special report on a proposed pedestrianisation scheme in Salford. The long-range weather forecast predicts heavy rain in the Salford area.
1.45 Footballers’ Wives Waynetta Rooney meets the WAGs of Manchester United and Manchester City players at the nail bar and Brazilian wax salon in the Lowry Hotel, Manchester. Mario sets fire to his bathroom.
2.30 Helicopter Heroes In this special edition, members of the BBC senior management team fly from Battersea helipad to Media City, Salford, for a meeting before returning to London in time for dinner at The Ivy.
3.15 Pointless Popular quiz show in which contestants have to answer questions such as: why has the BBC wasted £1.5 billion of licence-payers’ money moving to Salford?
4.30 Great British Menu From the Salford Quays branch of Greggs. Top chefs compete for the honour of preparing a banquet for the Mayor of Salford. Tonight they try to create the perfect pasty while avoiding VAT at 20 per cent.
5.00 Deal Or No Deal BBC journalists, producers and secretaries are told that unless they agree to move to Salford they will be sacked.
6.00 News; Weather Bill Turnbull reports on the struggle for control of Salford Council’s Parks and Recreation Committee. Plus, how the North West is escaping the hosepipe ban.
6.30 Great British Railway Journeys Michael Portillo encounters engineering works at Crewe as he joins BBC Breakfast presenter Susanna Reid on a replacement bus service during her daily commute between London and Salford.
7.00 The One Show In an exclusive interview to mark the opening of Media City, Bill Turnbull talks to Manchester music scene legend Noel Gallagher, live by satellite from his home in Little Venice, West London.
7.30 Corporation Street The BBC’s brand new soap, designed to rival ITV’s Coronation Street. Television executives struggle to adapt to their new surroundings in Salford. Tonight Susanna tells Bill she returning to her husband in London.
8.00 Strictly Come Dancing From the Locarno Ballroom, Salford. The show gets a youthful revamp as 82-year-old Stuart Hall, from Ashton-under-Lyne, takes over as host from 84-year-old, Surrey-based Bruce Forsyth. Tonight’s celebrity dancers include Waynetta Rooney and Bill Turnbull.
9.00 Crimewatch North West Police appeal for witnesses after a BBC worker was shot with an air rifle while cycling home from work at Media City. Presented by Bill Turnbull and Salford PCSO Debbie Arkwright.
10.00 Match Of The Day From the City of Manchester Stadium. Features the top-of-the-table clash between Manchester City and Manchester United, followed by highlights of Manchester City Reserves v Manchester United Reserves and Manchester City Under-18s v Manchester United Under-18s. Presented by Bill Turnbull.
11.00 Newsnight New host Bill Turnbull presents a special investigation into how the BBC managed to spend £1.84 million on rail fares and another £77,000 on airline tickets after deciding to move operations from London to Salford.
11.45 The Graham Norton Show Bill Turnbull takes over as stand-in presenter after Graham Norton’s agent tells the BBC that the star refuses to travel to Salford because all his guests live in London. Tonight, Bill performs a musical duet with Salford superstar Morrissey of his seminal smash hit, Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.